So you and your other half are hanging out, you’ve had a lovely day together and then your partner pops in the shower. They leave their phone on the side as they go. You hear the bathroom door shut and the water starts running. You look back over to their phone.
All of their social media, texts, WhatsApp messages, Snapchats and emails can all be accessed via the little rectangular slab sitting just metres away from you. With a touch of a fingertip, everything can be seen.
You find yourself with the overwhelming urge to have a sneak peek – just one little look, what could happen from one small look?
Would you look?
So many of us would deny doing it, but a recent study has found that 47% of 18-29-year-olds (men and women) have snooped on their partner’s phone, and 1 in 5 people are likely to log in their partner’s Facebook account once a month to check on them. Now that’s wild.
Is it ever OK to snoop on my partner?
As a short answer, no.
A lot of us would try and rationalise the act with shitty excuses like ‘I want to reassure myself’ or ‘if there’s nothing to hide, it’s fine’, or you may just be curious as to what your partners doing when they’re not with you.
Unfortunately, this type of thinking really isn’t healthy. I’m not pointing the finger here or blaming anyone, as I’ve been there myself. The urge to reassure yourself that your partners not doing anything that they shouldn’t, or just to put your mind at ease has overcome me far too many times. Especially if they have betrayed your trust in the past or cheated. Side note – if your partner cheats like my ex-did, just end it. The trust won’t come back and you’ll push them away again by checking up on them constantly.
Despite knowing it’s wrong – some of us still do it. But once it starts, it is amazingly difficult to stop. Like crack, but cheaper and more emotionally damaging.
Transparency and honesty are the building blocks to any relationship.
If you’re feeling the urge to have a sneaky look at your partner’s phone, then there may be fundamental issues within your relationship than first thought.
Regardless of how long you’ve been with someone, or what has happened in your past, we all experience moments of distrust. However, people who are secure in themselves and in the relationship have no need to check up on their partner. Instead of secretly trying to find out something, they have clear means of communication.
Even if your relationship is new, fresh and fabulous you may feel the urge to check on their social media activity rather than looking at their phone. This is just as bad, I’ve been extremely guilty of doing this to people before and let me tell you, it’s pointless. Who cares if they like a photo of someone else? They chose you, so stop flapping. Not only this but it also gets obsessive and will massively affect your mental health, so just don’t do it as it’s not good for anyone involved!
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
A lot of people think that when in a new relationship you start off with 100% trust in that person, and it would only decrease if something happened to chip away at the trust. The other way of thinking is to start off with little or no trust and then allow it to increase naturally as your partner earns it.
Whatever mindset you have, trust can be earned and can also be lost through the actions of the other person.
Why shouldn’t I snoop?
OK, so what does it say about your trust in them if you’re caught? It shows insecurity in the relationship and also puts doubt in your lover’s mind. These actions can become potentially damaging and can itself cause the relationship to end.
Sometimes our past experiences can mean that we have increased low self-esteem or severe lack of trust in relationships. The lesson to be learnt here is that you can’t think everyone is the same, because they’re not. And not everyone will cheat or betray your trust.
When you find yourself addicted to checking on them when they’re not by your side, it becomes associated with the feeling of relief of not finding anything. So every time you seek reassurance, instead of talking to your partner – you turn to snooping. Not good.
If you legit feel like something is going on, or you distrust their commitment, affection or truthfulness and you start checking up on them, then chances are that you will find things that justify your feelings of insecurity, simply because you’re actively looking for it.
You may find a random, unrelated, innocent event and piece them together as evidence, purely because it’s human nature to want to solve puzzles. Paranoia may seem like a strong word to use, but this type of behaviour is a definite misuse of imagination and is likely to make you feel even more insecure and shit. Trust me I’ve been there, multiple times, it’s rubbish and offers you no gain whatsoever.
It’s a lose-lose situation.
Instead of putting on your detective hat, try communicating.
When you feel the urge to stalk, ask yourself how you would feel if they were checking up on you? Probably wouldn’t feel nice, would it?
Communicating is the best approach as you’re respecting yourself, your partner and the relationship.
Treat someone the way you want to be treated, be secure in yourself and if you have genuine reasons to not trust someone then maybe the relationship isn’t the right one for you.